You Can't Always Get What You Want
by RoczaDeb
Summary: An accident with an Ancient device sends SG-1 down the road to self-destruction. Can they reconcile their actions with the one they hurt the most or will the team be destroyed forever? Part 1. J/S sort of. Darkfic. Read Warnings!


**You Can't Always Get What You Want**

By Rocza

Season: 8 (after Threads)

Spoilers: 0818 Threads

Categories: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Alternate Universe

Pairing: Jack/Sam overtones but not ship, per se

Characters: Jack, Sam, Teal'c, Daniel, Hammond, Landry, Cam, Janet

Content Level: NC-17

Content Warning: Violence, Rape, Non-Con (M/M/F)

Summary: An accident with an Ancient device starts SG-1 down the path to self-destruction. Can they reconcile their actions with the one person they hurt the most or is the team destroyed forever? Part 1 of 2.

Archive Permissions: The story is the property of the author and may not be posted without the author's consent. Any who want it are welcome. Just give me credit.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; not me. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Notes: I have no idea where this idea came from, but it pestered me until I wrote it down. I tried not to go into too great a detail on the rape scene but I rated it higher, just in case. Starts after Threads and goes in a parallel AU from there. Scenes from the show were modified to fit the storyline better, but the characters and events are basically the same.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

PART 1

Chapter 1 – A Time to Plant

"_You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes, well you just might find, You get what you need_." – You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones

General Jack O'Neill couldn't help humming the old Rolling Stones tune as he went into the next briefing. He had been 'the Man' for a little over a year. They had FINALLY defeated the Goa'uld and the Replicators, including repli-Carter, and General Hammond was still refusing to let Jack retire. Jack had been asking every day since the fishing trip, hoping that persistence would work where sincerity had failed.

Still nothing.

Jack sighed as he settled himself into his chair in the conference room. Sometimes he swore that the only exercise he was allowed were the laps between the conference room and his desk. He'd have to ask Walter. Surely, Walter could add a bit of physical training into his endless schedule?

"Colonel Barnes, what have you got for me today," Jack started once he was settled.

"Well, Sir, the trip to P3J-476 was a wash. The only item of interest is that," Colonel Barnes said, as he pointed to the strange box sitting on the conference room table. SG-6's resident geek was hovering over the box like an overprotective dog. "The climate is rough. The terrain is rougher. No old mining operations that we could find, though the soil samples still might turn up something interesting."

"Ah," Jack noted. More and more of the SGC's missions were turning up nothing. Seems like all the hostile planets had the good stuff. But on a positive note, no one had tried to infiltrate the SGC in over a month. It was a new record. Jack was considering a sign for the gateroom…'34 days since last invasion attempt.' Of course, the number would have to be changeable. He'd have to ask Walter. "And that…" he pointed at the box.

Lieutenant Brooks jumped up and immediately began to rattle off why the little box was one of the most fascinating objects ever found in the entire history of mankind finding…things. Jack only caught one in four words, but, what the hell, the poor guy must have been waiting for hours to give his spiel. Finally, as the Lieutenant wound down, Jack interrupted, "So, what does it…do…?"

"Ah…I don't know. But I'm sure that these symbols here are Ancient and it's giving off power signature." Lieutenant Brooks pushed the box over to the general and showed him the small view screen on top with the Ancient lettering glowing faintly.

Jack dutifully sent him a wane smile before pushing the box gently back to the Lieutenant, "O-kay, I'll let you go…play. Oh, and try not to blow up the base."

The eager lieutenant gave him a huge smile and quickly pulled the box back towards him.

Jack turned back to Colonel Barnes and was about to dismiss the briefing, when Lieutenant Brooks' small "Uh oh" gave him pause. Jack turned back to the young lieutenant, "Is something wrong, Lieutenant?"

"Uh…not really, Sir," the young man started, continuously staring at the small view screen. "It's just that the screen changed…"

"Changed, you say…" Jack prompted.

"Yes, Sir. It was in a standby mode before…this screen…well, Sir, I think this translates to 'initializing.' But I'll have to check my references." The lieutenant immediately started flipping through a short paper manual that Daniel had created for the SG Teams. It was a quick translation dictionary with the most commonly used words seen on Ancient, Goa'uld, and Asgard technology. Most of the techie geeks refused to go anywhere without it. It was their new bible.

"So, we just turned it on," he stated blandly.

"Yes, Sir," the lieutenant eagerly replied, completely missing his implied sarcasm.

Jack was not amused. "Well, is it going to blow up the base?" he asked, calmly. Far too calmly to be sitting next to a potential bomb. Ancient alien bomb. Yup, there should definitely be more running…and screaming. Can't forget the screaming...Are general's allowed to scream?

The lieutenant laughed, "Oh no, Sir. It's nothing like that. I wouldn't have brought it back through the gate if I thought it was dangerous. No, Sir, it just a wave emitter. It's completely harmless."

Yeah, never heard that before…"It had better be, Lieutenant," Jack said sternly. "Because if I have to fill out that stack of 'blowing-up-the-base' paperwork, I'm going to be a bit miffed."

SG-6 smirked at him in tandem. My job here is done.

"I'll make sure the lieutenant keeps everything within the safety protocols, Sir," Colonel Barnes soothed.

"Good. As long as we're clear," Jack stated one last time. He glanced around the room, "Alright, get that thing to the lab. I expect your mission reports by tomorrow morning. Dismissed."

SG-6 stood and he waved them off. He gathered his paperwork and when he looked up he was surprised to see SG-6 still lingering in the doorway watching him. Their gaze was unreadable with strong undertones of…something…Their gaze made him uncomfortable. "I said, dismissed," he barked at them, loudly.

The team seemed to shake themselves loose of the spell they were under and obediently disappeared down the hallway.

"Wonder what that was about," he huffed under his breath. Finally, he just shook his head, dismissing the weirdness, and made his way back into his office.

When he reached the lab, Lieutenant Brooks eagerly translated the newest screen, 'Cycle started. Time remaining…30.' He setup all his scanning equipment and began to monitor the strange waves the device was emitting.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 2 – A Time to Laugh

Jack was hard at work on his unending stack of paper when Walter arrived with a fresh stack of reports, requisitions, and other odds and ends that required his immediate signature. Jack knew from long experience that signing it now would make his life better later. Walter was nothing if not persistent.

However, as the Chief dutifully pointed out where he needed to sign on the various reports and forms, the hair on the back of Jack's neck was rising. Something was 'off' with Walter.

As he watched closer, Jack noticed the quick side-glances; the short wetting of the lips, increased breathing, and finally, the Chief rested his arm across the back of Jack's chair.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Jack shouted and glared at the Chief as he jumped back.

"I…uh…"

Jack signed the last form with a flourish, and slammed the folder shut, "Just…go…" He threw the stack at Walter and glared at him until the Chief's head disappeared down the control room stairwell and out of his sight.

Jack once again shook off the weirdness and went back to work.

Up in the lab, the device ticked down to 25.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 3 – A Time to Love and A Time to Rend

Jack had barely gotten back to his reports when he spied the blonde head of Lieutenant Colonel Carter. He grinned, completely distracted from his work. His grin widened as she stopped her walk to the coffee pot and instead turned and entered his door.

"Carter, you're early," he greeted, cheerfully. He was always cheerful around her now. They had talked around the issue of a possible future relationship on the fishing trip. Both of them seemed to be willing to take that next step. At least, that's what he thought she meant by her 'we should do this more often' statement on the dock. Now if General Hammond would just let him retire, he could actually take that step. Jack jumped up and walked around the desk, casually leaning on it. At least he hoped he looked casual. He would so hate looking over-eager.

"General," she returned, her voice deep and sultry. He felt a shiver run down his spin. And then she stalked forward and leaned into him, slowly wrapping her arms around his neck. "I love you so much," she stated as she stared into his eyes from mere inches. She kissed him softly on the lips, not probing or needy, but just…perfect. "Let me show you how much. Please…" She kissed him again, more insistently.

Jack broke the kiss seeking air, clarity of thought, and wanting to know what the hell was going on. Not that he wanted to stop. No stopping was exactly what he didn't want to do. He had a hard enough time telling her 'no' on the little things, like a new thermo-what's-it. Trying to say 'no' when she looked at him like that was asking the impossible…But…still…he had a niggling doubt. Something was wrong. Something about not…oh yeah…not retired yet…and the door is open…and the camera's are still on…

He gulped in enough air and was able to peel Sam back far enough to start thinking again…barely. "Carter, we can't do this yet. We…" he swallowed. She had started to run her fingers through his hair and work her lips on his neck. It was very distracting. He didn't care about the door anymore. Cameras? What the hell, why not?...Retired…Shit…shouldn't…couldn't? "We talked, remember?"

"We've waited so long," she replied with a breathy huff on his cheek as she leaned in again. "I don't want to wait anymore." And then she sucked his earlobe into her mouth, "Don't make me wait anymore, Jack."

He moaned. His name on her lips was his undoing. His mind fogged up and he couldn't think anymore. He pulled her in tight and kissed her hungrily. She responded in kind.

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of touch and taste. They only pulled enough of their clothes aside to provide access and Jack thrust into her tight sex as soon as he was clear of his boxers. With Sam's moans and cries to spur him on, he fucked her hard and fast on top of his desk, shoving aside the carefully arranged stacks of paperwork. Sam came with a gasp and Jack soon followed her.

Jack tried to draw in more air and calm his racing heart. He knew vaguely that he needed to breathe, but the feeling of his spent cock still resting inside Sam was too much. He didn't ever want to move. Even better, Sam was still whispering endearments into his ear as her hands roamed under his shirt to caress his back and ass. Her fingernails were lightly marking his skin as her own. He was in heaven and never wanted to leave. Ever.

The transition from heaven to hell was a short trip.

Jack was so wrapped up in Sam that he failed to hear Daniel and Teal'c enter. He failed to understand Sam's words as she persistently whispered of how much 'they' loved him and how 'they' wanted to show him how much. As it was, he only heard what she was saying when two strong hands grabbed him from behind. One hand held him down on top of Sam, while the other pinned his hips. Her slender arms wrapped around his neck and her legs wrapped around his to hold him in place on top of her. The next thing he felt was a ripping pain as Teal'c started to take him from behind.

Jack fought and bucked and punched and kicked everything in range, but Teal'c was too strong, and Sam and Daniel were helping Teal'c hold him down. For an eternity, Jack fought blindly. He wasn't thinking, just reacting. It was only when Teal'c came with a grunt and lost his strength for just a moment that Jack's struggle finally gained ground.

Teal'c fell back off of him. Jack kicked him in his stomach pouch for all he was worth. Teal'c fell away clutching at his stomach. Daniel and Sam continued to hold him, but they weren't strong enough without Teal'c pinning him to the desk over Sam.

Jack smashed his forehead into Sam's face, breaking her nose and releasing a wash of blood bright against her pale face. She briefly let go as the pain and blood blinded her. It was enough. Jack yanked himself free of their combined grip. Teal'c tried to grab him again and Jack rained a series of desperate blows into the Jaffa's stomach and face and ending with a hefty knee to his head. The hearty Jaffa went down for the count.

Sam reached for him next as Daniel moved to block his exit to the hallway. With only the thought of escape, he grabbed Sam's arm and threw her bodily at Daniel. The two flew into his wood and glass bookshelf. Shattered glass and heavy objects rained down on the two and they lay still in the mess. But Jack had his exit and he bolted, collecting his thoughts only long enough to button up his pants before he sprinted away from the hellish mess of his office.

Jack absently slapped the alarm just outside his office as he passed, but he didn't pause long. He didn't want to risk them catching him. They had sparred too many times. He had taught them all of his tricks. He couldn't beat all three at once. He needed back up. He needed to get away. He needed time to figure out what was going on.

Almost as if called, a four-squad of security forces were jogging towards him. They were alert and ready for anything, responding to the alarm. He almost sagged in relief. Backup had arrived and they were armed.

"Something's wrong with SG-1…" Jack started in a rush as he ran towards them. Only to stop as the guards hesitated a few feet from him, dropping their weapons and advancing on him with hungry, lust-filled eyes. "Shit," he swore as the first of the guards tried to grab him.

Once again, Jack fought without holding back. However, this time Jack had the advantage. He was ready for them and he sure as hell wasn't going to be caught. No fucking way. He was no longer just reacting to the attack, but responding with vigor.

The first two were no match for him, and one of the second two quickly lost his zat to Jack. Four shots later, the guards were lying in an unconscious heap in the hallway and Jack was racing away the zat clutched in his hand.

Jack didn't try to look for backup after that. Instead, he avoided the other base personnel. His mind was fogged with pain, adrenaline, and heartache. He found himself outside the infirmary on Level 21 with no real memory of how he got there. He stopped and stared at the door for a full minute before backing away and ducking into the infirmary supply closet. He couldn't risk the infirmary. He really didn't want to hurt anymore of his people. Even if they were inclined to hurt him first. He needed to rest and think.

He let the darkness of the closet surround him and made his way to the back of the closet where the spare infirmary mattresses were stored. He fell onto the short stack with a relieved sigh and promptly passed out as the overwhelming pain caught up with him.

Up in the lab, the screen on the device changed once again. Lieutenant Brooks babbled on as he tried to decipher the new screen. He could translate all but a single word. "Something cycle complete," he cooed excitedly to his team leader. Colonel Barnes just nodded and told him to take it to Dr Jackson for confirmation. Unnoticed, the device returned to standby mode.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 4 – A Time to Fall

Sam became aware of herself slowly. Her head and face throbbed in an aching pain. She had been staring at the blank screen of the TV in her quarters. She blinked slowly and gave her room a slow scan. She didn't remember coming to her room. The last clear thing she remembered was heading for the briefing room.

Belatedly, she noticed the red flashing light above her doorway. Someone had set off the alarm, but she couldn't remember hearing it or calling in to see if she was needed. The audible alarm had already been turned off so some time had obviously passed. She wanted to just pass out from the pain, but duty beaconed in time to the flashing red light.

With a groan, she stood and slowly limped over to the phone. She dialed the control room more by muscle memory than conscious thought. She held onto the wall as the room swam before her eyes.

"Control," Walter answered with brisk efficiency.

"Chief, it's Colonel Carter. What's the alarm for…" she asked. She noticed her voice was nasally and cracked with pain. Then she winced as she first noticed the small cuts all over her hands and arms.

"Colonel Carter…OH THANK GOD! Where are you?" the Chief's voice was heavy with concern and something else.

She tried to think, but her thoughts were still fuzzy and slow, "My quarters," she stated, quietly. "What happened?"

"We don't know. Someone hit the alarm outside the general's office, but we can't find him. When SG-1 failed to report…We thought the worst, Ma'am," the Chief replied with a sniff. He had obviously thought that only death would keep SG-1 from saving the day.

She smiled in response, because he was likely right. The movement caused shooting pains that started at her nose and spiked directly into her brain. Wincing, she reached up to touch her face. She stared at her hand in shock as her fingers came away thick with wet blood. "I…I think I should go to the infirmary," she told him with her voice wavering and her vision dimming.

She faintly heard Walter send a Medical Team to her quarters, but the blood was rushing in her ears and it was all she could do to ease herself down to the ground before she passed out.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 5 – A Time to Seek

Colonel Reynolds paced impatiently outside the infirmary. They had found SG-1 and they were a mess. LtCol Carter had wavered between unconsciousness and lucidity, seldom spending more than a few moments with the people surrounding her. Teal'c was unconscious and hadn't even twitched an eyelid as he was rushed to the infirmary. Dr Jackson was awake and currently having his back stitched into a single sheet of skin.

But they were no closer to finding General O'Neill then they were when the alarm first sounded 30 minutes ago.

Reynolds turned as the new doctor cleared the doorway. "So, what's the news, Dr Lam?"

Dr. Lam had been with the SGC a whole three days. This was her first emergency and she didn't look all that impressed. "They will all be fine. They all are suffering a mixture of cuts, bruises, and contusions. Teal'c has a hairline skull fracture and rupture to his…symbiote pouch. LtCol Carter has a mild concussion and a broken nose. And Dr Jackson has severe lacerations to his back, a broken arm and a mild concussion." She tried to give him a reassuring smile, "None of these injuries are life threatening at this time."

"And the security team?" he asked. The security team had been found unconscious in the hallway outside of General O'Neill's office.

"Minor cuts and bruises and the residual effects of a zat blast…tingling in their fingers and toes. I'm more concerned with their memory loss than anything else. I can't find a cause for their lost time. No head injuries. Their brain functions are within normal limits, and I've been told that a zat blast has never been associated with memory loss before," she stated with a pointed look at him.

Reynolds chuckled, "I can assure you that I remember being zatted every single damn time." He finally gave her a resigned sigh, "Thanks, Doc. Keep me posted."

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 6 – A Time to Die

Jack walked through the fog. He knew that he was lost and alone, but he wasn't quite sure where to go. He was so tired. He just wanted to rest, but he had to find somewhere safe. He wandered aimlessly through the fog hoping to find a safe place to stop.

"You are quite the trouble magnet, Jack," a familiar voice greeted him from the surrounding fog.

Jack turned trying to find it. His eyes finally rested on Dr Janet Frasier's familiar face. "Doc," he greeted with a nod as he continued to walk searching the surrounding fog.

She paced beside him and appraised his appearance, "You need to take better care of yourself."

"Yeah, well. I've been trying," he replied vaguely with a hand wave.

"Jack," she scolded, "You know better." She pointed to him and he noticed the blood on his clothes for the first time. "You should go the infirmary and get checked out."

He almost nodded in agreement, but froze instead. "Can't," he replied, as fear and dread crept into his heart.

Janet stopped beside him, "Jack, you have too." She pulled her pen light out of her pocket and reached for him. He wanted to pull away but his body was frozen and unresponsive.

Blinding light flashed in his eyes and he woke with a moan before he could stifle it. His recent memories came back in a flash, chilling him heart and soul. But he felt the comforting weight of the zat in his hand the same moment. He wasn't helpless. He would fight when 'they' found him. But then again, he realized that he really didn't want to be found. He didn't want to have to hurt them again…he couldn't bear it.

"Hello? Is someone there?"

Too late now, he mused. He tried to stand but his abused body protested and he started to fall almost as soon as he made it vertical. He grabbed the storage shelf in time to prevent an ungraceful fall, just as a young woman he vaguely recognized peeked cautiously around the corner.

"General!" she cried at the sight of him and rushed forward to help.

"Stop! Just hold it right there," he said levelly, his voice deadly calm as the zat was held on her steadily. How his arm could be steady while the rest of his body was made of Jell-o, he didn't know. But it was a blessing at that moment. It made his threat all that more real.

"Sir?" she squeaked, skidding to a halt in front of him.

Jack stared at her for a minute, examining her closely. She didn't look like she wanted to attack. She didn't look like she wanted to eat him for breakfast. No hungry eyes. But he had let his guard down with SG-1…no don't go there. Fear. He recognized the fear in her eyes. 'They' were hungry…not afraid. Maybe…maybe she wasn't one of them.

Janet's apparition calmly walked between Jack and the woman. Janet's face was glaring at him with her arms crossed in her familiar bulldog stance, "So help me, Jack O'Neill, if you zat one of my nurses, I will haunt you with giant needles for the rest of your natural born life." He couldn't have been more surprised than if Siler swore of wrenches for the rest of his life. He blinked and hoped the apparition would fade. It didn't.

Slowly, he dropped the zat, "Great, now I'm hallucinating."

"Sir?" the nurse asked cautiously.

"It's alright. You're not one of THEM are you?" he asked cautiously, zat held loosely at his side, though he was sure of his assessment. The ghost just confirmed what he already knew. She was safe.

Jack didn't want to examine his recent memories too closely. He just skimmed over the surface details, ignoring the deep angry wounds they covered. He didn't have time for heartache. His base was at risk.

But he had been attacked by his closest friends. The people he trusted the most. So to keep his fractured mind on task, he had denied their betrayal. It wasn't his friend. It wasn't SG-1. It had to be a foothold, someone that was pretending to be them. It absolutely, positively couldn't have been them. Never gonna happen. Alien possession, clones, robots, hell, what haven't they seen in the last eight years. Yup, the pod people had done it. He had to stop the pod people.

The nurse was not a pod person, or so Janet had said...nothing like an afterlife endorsement. That thought almost made him giggle…Did general's giggle? Ah hell, why am I asking myself that now…

The nurse took a cautious step forward, "No, Sir. It's Lieutenant Kaplin from the infirmary."

"Right," he sighed softly. "Doc, vouched for you."

"Sir?" the lieutenant asked.

"Never mind," he sighed and started to sway. So much for the steady arm…

The lieutenant surged forward and caught him just before he fell. "So, what's the status…out there?" he asked as she gently lowered him back down to the mattresses.

"I...uh...Sir. I need to get you to the infirmary," her voice shook as she visually tallied his injuries and the sheer volume of blood staining his clothing. Well, the injuries she could see anyway. Nope, not gonna volunteer any information. No way, no how.

"Nah," he said with certainty. "I'm fine..." He lost his certainty as he felt his stomach heave. He just managed to clear the mattress as he spewed bloody vomit all over the storeroom floor. Well, that can't be good…

Lieutenant Kaplin immediately turned professional, "Right. I can see that," she replied sarcastically. "I'm going to go get Dr Lam," she stated as she rose.

Jack was just able to grab her arm before she could move away, "No, I can't let you. Lieutenant. We have a foothold. We have to secure the SGC…Got…got to stop them…" his voice trailed off as the pain began to overwhelm him. Damn it, O'Neill…focus…

"Sir, 'they' aren't going anywhere. Colonel Reynolds put the SGC in lockdown when he found you missing. Now, I'm going get Dr. Lam," she said with steel in her voice as she pulled her arm out of his grip.

"Then bring me Colonel Reynolds," he said firmly. He let out a tired, resigned sigh, "Never mind. I'll find him myself."

"I would advise against that, Jack," Janet's ghost said with a disapproving frown.

Jack gave a short, pained laugh, "Wouldn't be the first time I went against doctor's orders, now would it?" He braced himself for the pain and began the struggle to get up only to be stopped by a firm hand. The lieutenant was awfully strong for such a skinny slip of a woman.

"Sir, please," the lieutenant begged, "I'll go get Colonel Reynolds, just please lay still. Alright? I'll get him. Just promise me you'll stay here. Please…" tears started to fill her eyes.

Ah hell, no fair, Doc, he thought at Janet as he nodded his consent to the nurse. "Go. I'll be here when you get back."

The lieutenant sprang up and sprinted for the door. She paused and looked back at him one more time, before yanking the door open and running out. The door closed on its own with a soft click and Jack began to struggle to get up once again.

"Jack, you promised you'd stay here," the apparition chided him.

"Yeah, but I didn't promise…to remain horizontal…got to be ready…if Reynolds is…pod person…" the pain was worse than he expected, radiating out from his stomach as he tried to sit up. "Shit…" he gasped, trying to breathe past the pain.

The door flew open and the nurse rushed back in far sooner than Jack had expected. Had it even been a minute? Jack gratefully felt his adrenaline surge and the pain faded into the background with the rush. He pushed himself up and targeted the door, once again using the shelf as his anchor.

Colonel Reynolds entered the storeroom cautiously and heavily armed, followed closely by Dr. Lam. "Lieutenant, what was so important that you had to rush us to the supply room?" Colonel Reynolds asked, following her slowly. His eyes widened in shock as he spotted Jack, "General?"

Jack glared as Lieutenant Kaplin moved to his side, thankfully not blocking his line of sight on his targets.

"Reynolds, get your hands on your head. And if you as much as THINK about your weapon, I'll zat your ass," Jack ordered, as his gaze remained steadily on the colonel. "Lieutenant, I don't recall authorizing you to get Lam."

The young woman had the gall to smirk, "General, I don't recall authorizing you to stand up yet. So, I guess we're even." She slipped under his arm and supported his weight just before he lost his death grip on the shelf. "So…are they 'them' or SGC?" she asked him as she turned back to the two newcomers, watching them closely.

Nice to know somebody doesn't think your nuts, he told himself, before once again assessing his people. Jack examined their looks, stances, and body language, trying to ignore the snippy comments from Janet's apparition about delaying the inevitable. Finally, he relented and lowered the zat, "SGC." With that statement, the last of his adrenaline induced strength drained away and his knees buckled.

Lieutenant Kaplin caught him, but couldn't support his weight alone. "A little help here," she snapped at the colonel and the doctor.

Both of them rushed forward and helped her position Jack back on the mattress stack. Dr Lam immediately tried to triage, but Jack weakly pushed her away. "Reynolds," he barked as loud as he could. Unfortunately, it was barely loud enough for the colonel to hear.

"Yes, Sir?" Reynolds replied promptly, leaning to hear him better.

"Foothold. SG-1 and…security…compromised. Maybe…Harriman and…SG-6 as well…Acting weird…not normal…" Jack used all his remaining strength to focus on his message. The pain in his stomach was increasing, making in harder to think.

"How were they acting weird, Sir?" Reynolds asked.

Jack was losing his focus. "Tapes…" he whispered.

"The security footage," Reynolds nodded. "I'll see how they were acting and be able to identify the infiltrators," Reynolds concluded and moved to stand, but Jack stopped him with a hand.

"Alone. Watch alone…please," Jack gasped out.

"Sir?" Reynolds asked trying to clarify.

But Jack couldn't hear him, "God, Janet…hurts…"

Janet's ghost sat on the mattress next to him and gave him a smile, "You'll be alright now, Jack." Her ghostly hand gently caressed his forehead as Dr. Lam began her assessment. He started to feel detached from his body, the pain receding slightly.

"Ya sure?" he asked the ghost, thinking of his friends. He wondered if he could ever look them in the eye again after this.

The real world faded into the background as Jack focused his attention on Janet's smiling face, "You know that I can only guarantee the physical, Jack. I'm a doctor, not a psychologist."

Jack huffed a quiet laugh, "Yeah…but you play one…at the SGC…"

Jack was brought back to the real world as Dr. Lam's pen light flashed in his eyes. He could faintly hear her speaking but only a few words broke through his haze, "…lethargic response…multiple…internal bleeding…surgery…" before the world finally went black and took away his pain. They didn't need him now. He could rest. He was finally safe.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 7 – A Time to Wait

Sam woke to the comforting sounds of the infirmary. She gave a relieved sigh. She may not know how she got here or why, but eight years of gate travel had taught her that the infirmary was safe. Well, pretty much...most of the time.

"Sam?" Daniel inquired gently.

"Mmmm…yeah, Daniel?" she replied with a purr. She could almost feel the drugs in her system. It felt like she was floating on a cloud pillow. It was nice. She knew it wouldn't last. Hard experience taught her that the pain would come soon enough. Enjoy the buzz while it lasted, because the alternative was worse.

"Good. We were worried that you would sleep forever," Daniel said gently. She focused on his voice. He sounded so far away. He usually sat in the chair…unless it was already occupied. She smiled at that thought and opened her eyes, hoping to see the relieved face of General O'Neill…hopefully soon to be just Jack…

Only he wasn't there…He was always there. She frowned and slowly scanned the room, noting that Daniel and Teal'c were sharing beds in her room…her isolation room? She slowly looked up to the observation room. Still no General Jack. That was just wrong in so many ways.

Finally, she turned rapidly clearing eyes back to Daniel, "What happened?"

Daniel looked oddly reserved, "We were hoping you could tell us?"

"What?" she asked confused. She tried to shake her head clear it. But the fog remained and was now joined by a dull throbbing in her face and head.

"What's the last thing you remember before waking up here?" Daniel asked.

Sam tried to raise her hand to her face, remembering the blood, only to be stopped by leather strap. Her mind instantly focused on it. She was restrained. Why? What the hell had happened? Quelling her rising panic, she tried to focus on the question.

"I…I remember being in my quarters…I was hurt. The alarm was flashing…I called control and passed out," she said slowly, examining the memory closely. "Shit! Walter said that the general was missing," she said in a panicked rush, yanking on her restraints, trying to break free. She shouldn't be lazing around the infirmary when the general was missing.

"Yeah…what about before that?" Daniel continued, not surprised by her information.

She stopped trying to break free. Daniel wasn't panicked. She gave a sigh and tried to focus again. It was easier this time. This memory wasn't clouded with pain, "I was on my way to the briefing room. Now, tell me what's going on."

She stared sternly at her teammates. Daniel sighed, but Teal'c answered her question, "That was our last impression as well. I have only just awoken, so I can only relay the information I have been given," Teal'c paused. Sam could see that the information he had learned troubled him. Oh, this is so not good.

"The SGC has been infiltrated. O'Neill has been attacked and is still missing. Daniel Jackson believes that we happened upon the attack in his office and rendered O'Neill assistance, hence our injured status. However, a short time ago we were placed in restraints and moved to this isolation room. We have yet to be informed as to why," Teal'c finished with a short nod.

Daniel let out an angry huff. "I'm worried about Jack," he said without preamble. "Sam…the only reason they found Teal'c and me is because you called the control room…Jack…Jack didn't go back to his quarters…What if…what if he can't call for help?" Daniel asked quietly.

"They will find O'Neill, Daniel Jackson. And the individuals responsible will pay," Teal'c stated with certainty and a strong hint of danger. Sam had no doubt that Teal'c would personally make sure that payment was extracted in kind. Or was it three-fold. She really needed to brush up on her Jaffa-revenge knowledge.

Sam realized that Teal'c's certainty was hers as well. As long as Teal'c was hopeful, she would be hopeful. In fact, she would likely be waiting her turn to extract payment as well. Besides, they were talking about Jack O'Neill, the lucky rabbit's foot of the SGC. He had to be alright. And like a bad penny, he always turned up when and where you least expected it. Any other option was just unthinkable, so she wouldn't waste her time thinking about them.

Sam gave Daniel her brightest smile, "He's right, Daniel. I mean, this is General O'Neill we're talking about. He's fine."

Daniel stayed silent with his eyes closed. Finally, he let out a shaky breath, "I hope you're right, Sam. I really do. I just have a bad feeling about this," Daniel said quietly.

Sam stayed quiet and tried to ignore her own bad feeling.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 8 – A Time to Find

Colonel Reynolds sat down alone in the secondary control room and watched the security footage. He took the general's warning to watch them alone seriously. But, where to start?

The alarm. Who hit the alarm? He pulled up the footage of the hallway. He could just make out the alarm switch on the wall next to the emergency phone. He fast forwarded to about five minutes before the alarm sounded. He watched as nothing and no one appeared in the hallway. Then suddenly, General O'Neill burst from his office covered in blood. He was looking over his back as he slapped the alarm and disappeared down the hallway out of sight of the camera. Reynolds waited for the general's pursuers to come after him, but no one exited his office door.

Reynolds sighed and pulled up the footage for the general's office. SG-6 said that they left their briefing about 10 minutes early. They were not happy to be locked in the brig. But watching them, Reynolds didn't see them acting weird. So he questioned their movements and finally decided that he would have to use the tapes to figure out what the general meant.

The camera view changed, showing the general's office and hinted at the conference room. Reynolds fast forwarded to the time SG-6 said they were in the briefing room. Sure enough, he could just make out the general's feet and chair in the conference room. Then the general pushed out his chair and collected his folders, pausing once, before turning to his office. Paperwork filled his next few minutes before Chief Harriman entered with a fresh stack.

And then he saw it…the weirdness that the general had been talking about.

"What the hell? Did he…did he just make a pass at the general?" he whispered aloud, just as the general on screen turned and yelled at the Chief. "Yeah, that is definitely not normal." But the Chief didn't return and the general just went back to his paperwork.

Reynolds checked the time stamp, still a good twenty minutes until the alarm. So he continued to watch. He was shocked and embarrassed when LtCol Carter entered the office and so openly seduced the general. Hell, the door to the conference room was still open. He had always wondered if the rumors were true, but he never expected to see proof in such graphic detail.

"Oh my God," he whispered as he watched in horror as Teal'c and Daniel join them in the office. He couldn't tear his eyes away as the general fought and yelled to no avail before finally breaking free of Teal'c's grip. Reynolds silently cheered on the general during his fight to break free of the three of them. Still in shock, Reynolds watched as SG-1 slowly picked themselves up and slowly made their way out the conference room door.

"Holy fuck!" he still couldn't believe it. He shakily changed to the next camera, the one where the security detail had been attacked, dreading what he would see next. He forwarded to a point just before the alarm sounded, muscles tense as he dreaded what he would see next. But the hallway remained empty, then the alarm lights started flashing. The security team reacted like their training required and they were sprinting to secure the conference room and its immediate access to the control room. Then the general appeared calling out and gesturing behind him and the team stopped. Their weapons clattered to the floor as they surged forward to grab at the general. But unlike the last video, the general was ready for them. He quickly disabled them and then shot them with the zat, before continuing his flight down the hallway taking the zat with him.

Reynolds let out the breath he had been holding. The zatted security detail never remembered encountering the general. They didn't remember anything after responding to the alarm. At least now he knew which security troops had been…influenced? Yeah, that sounded right, because they were sure acting normal now, even Walter. No wonder the general had held a zat on him, and he dropped it shortly after. So, no harm done.

That gave him pause. No harm done. Reynolds rewound the tape to the security troops in the hallway acting normal. Then they met up with the general and almost instantly tried to grab him. That's it! The general was waiting for my behavior to change. When it didn't, he knew who was safe.

But what triggers the behavior change?

Reynolds scanned the other cameras, following the general throughout the facility and eventually leading him to the infirmary storage closet. But just before the general entered the closet, he paused outside the infirmary door. Paused and made a conscious choice to back away and go to the closet instead. Odd, but by then the general was shaking so much, maybe he didn't think he could fight anyone else off.

Regardless, the general didn't encounter any of the other base personnel. So why did he finger SG-6 in his list of infiltrators?

"I'm missing something," he hissed to himself. "Alright, SG-6 was in the lab when the alarm went off. Colonel Barnes kept them there because he didn't want to leave an active alien device alone in the lab. I let him because I still didn't know exactly what was going on. Security found them still in the lab thirty minutes later. So let's see what they were doing…" He pulled up the camera and played it from the time they entered the lab, until security burst in to drag them off to the brig. All perfectly normal behavior and no General O'Neill.

"Okay, SG-6 says that the last time they encountered the general was at the briefing…" Reynolds pulled up the briefing room cameras and picked the one over the general's head. The briefing appeared to be normal, except for the bit of excitement over the activation of the device. SG-6 got up to leave and moved off camera. The general stood up and paused before looking in confusion at the doorway to the conference room, out of sight of the camera. He barked something out and continued to watch, then shook his head and moved to his office.

"What just happened?" he quickly rewound the footage and watched the general's reaction again. He then selected a different camera angle, this one covering the doorway, and watched as SG-6 exited the doorway and froze. They turned in unison back towards the general as if compelled. The general's barked order seemed to free them from the compulsion and they walked away.

"Okay. That was weird. No wonder the general remembered it," he sat tapping his fingers on the desk, trying to organize his thoughts.

Movement on the screen drew his eyes back to the conference room footage; LtCol Carter had entered the room and dropped her folder on the table. She was making her way around to the coffee pot with her mug in hand when she froze for a second, dropped the cup and quickly crossed into the general's office. Several minutes later, Teal'c and Daniel entered together. Once again, they seemed to hit an invisible field and changed visibly as they were compelled to go into the general's office.

Reynolds stopped the feed. He already knew what came next. He didn't want to revisit that video again. In fact, he pulled up the camera recording in the general's office and upgraded the classification on it. He changed the list of authorized users to himself, General O'Neill and General Hammond. No one else needed to see it. Hopefully, no one else would see it. Hell, Reynolds wished he could un-see it.

Reynolds spent the next few hours watching security footage and found nothing else useful. Before the SG-6 briefing, all the personnel interacting with the general were acting normal. So what changed? What triggered the change? Reynolds felt that he had the answer and he was just overlooking it.

Inspiration struck as Reynolds was re-watching the SG-6 briefing from yet another angle. The camera picked up a change in the alien device's view screen just as the general pushed it back to Lieutenant Brooks.

The device! That has to be it. Lieutenant Brooks said that it had been deactivated when he was taken by security to the brig.

Armed with a lead, Reynolds spent the rest of the evening making a timeline based on the changes he observed in the film footage. He cross referenced it with Lieutenant Brooks' notes on the device and the lab footage. They were almost a perfect match. The behavior changes started after the device was activated and no new changes had been noticed since it had completed its cycle.

"Mystery solved," he said aloud with some satisfaction. But then the ramifications of this incident stole his breath. "No infiltration. No foothold. A fucking alien device…Oh God!" and he knew with certainty that if they ever found out the truth SG-1 would never be the same again.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 9 – A Time to Kill

Sam snapped awake when Colonel Reynolds and several nurses entered the isolation room. From her viewpoint, the colonel seemed tense and sad at the same time. Her stomach clenched in fear. Oh please, let the general be okay.

"Release them from the restraints," the colonel ordered. He was standing off to one side with a folder, observing them closely.

Sam smiled at the nurse and thanked her, but the nurse refused to look her in the eye and left as quickly as possible with the others. "Colonel Reynolds, any news on General O'Neill?" Sam asked.

Colonel Reynolds flinched and forced himself to meet her eyes. Sam was shocked to see anger and disgust when his eyes met hers, but that morphed to pity and Sam wasn't sure which emotion surprised her more. "He's out of surgery. Dr Lam is sure he will fully recover," the colonel replied in crisp angry tones.

"Oh thank God!" Daniel exclaimed.

"Indeed that is good news, Colonel Reynolds," Teal'c agreed from his bed rubbing his newly freed wrists.

Sam gave Colonel Reynolds a brilliant smile of relief. "How soon can we see him?" she asked innocently. Her smile faded as Colonel Reynolds turned physically away from them and took a moment to regain his composure.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Colonel Reynolds said, still facing away from them. He suddenly turned back to them and marched angrily over to Daniel, "Dr. Jackson, I need to know if you can translate the markings on this device."

Sam watched as Daniel took the folder and flipped through the images. Daniel duly considered each screen and finally organized them in order. "That is the Ancient's generic way of saying 'Standby' or 'Power Save.' This next one is something like 'Initializing' or 'loading.' This next one…I'm not sure but 'cycle started' and a count down. A timer of some kind…See these other ones show that only the last symbol is changing…Then this last one is 'reproduction cycle complete'…or is it 'fertility cycle complete'…I'd have to check my resource books on Ancient…Actually, Teal'c," Daniel looked over to the Jaffa. "Can you take a look at this last one?" Then Daniel handed the photo back to Colonel Reynolds, "Jack and Teal'c had to learn Ancient in that time loop. He may recognize the word faster than I could look it up."

Colonel Reynolds took the photo back had to steel himself to walk over to Teal'c. Sam noticed that he refused to look at her Jaffa friend and displayed anger in his every movement. Something was very wrong.

Teal'c examined the photo, "Your translation of 'fertility' was correct, Daniel Jackson." He handed Colonel Reynolds the photo back and gave him a polite nod, choosing to ignore the colonel's anger.

Colonel Reynolds ignored him and neatly stacked the photos back into the folder.

"Colonel?" Sam asked quietly. "Do we know what happened to General O'Neill yet?"

As she watched Colonel Reynolds struggle to formulate an answer, Sam decided that she really didn't want to know. He was going to be fine, that's all that mattered.

"Yes," the colonel replied before she could retract her question. "He was…attacked by several SGC members under the influence of an alien device. He…succeeded in escaping and alerting the base. The device has been identified and secured, so there won't be a repeat of this…incident," he finished visibly trying to maintain his control.

"Do you know the names of those who harmed O'Neill?" Teal'c asked, his voice laced with threat.

Colonel Reynolds looked up and appraised them each individually, meeting their eyes one at a time, "Yes."

Sam was the first one to connect the dots, "Oh my God!" She turned and reappraised Daniel's and Teal'c's wounds then tentatively touched her broken nose. She shook her head in denial and tears filled her eyes. "We would never…" she broke off, catching Colonel Reynolds eyes once more.

But he merely nodded and left them alone in the isolation room in an oppressive silence.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 10 – A Time to Weep

"Sir?"

Jack was awakened by the annoying sound of his second in command, Colonel Reynolds. It took him a moment to identify the sounds of the infirmary and another moment to remember the events that lead to his current stay here.

Dr. Lam had been by earlier with his latest list of injuries, each one throbbing as it was named off. On the plus side, Dr. Lam was willing to let him go home in a few days. Apparently, she thought he would have help at home. Normally, SG-1 would have that honor. But this time…No…Instead, he chose not to enlighten her.

But Reynolds was insistently hovering at his bedside, and finally, he couldn't help but open his eyes. He really needed to know that the base was secure and didn't require any more heroics from him. He really didn't feel up to any heroics at the moment.

He trusted his people, honestly. But he wouldn't really rest properly until he had received the all clear. Normally, that meant one of SG-1 taking their leisure at his bedside. But this situation was anything but normal. And the last group he wanted to see right now was SG-1. He needed time and distance before he could tackle that particular can of worms. But…he couldn't rest until he heard Colonel Reynolds give him the good news. At least, it had better be good news. Please let it be good news…

"What?" he forced out. It sounded more like a whisper than the abrupt tone he intended. Damn drugs always made him sound so damn old…and weak.

Colonel Reynolds was hovering beside his bed. His look of concern just pissed Jack off more. "Spit it out, Colonel. I'm trying to get some beauty sleep."

But Reynolds suddenly seemed to have lost the ability to speak.

Jack gave a tire sigh. I guess I'll just have to do this the hard way. "Is the base secure?"

"Yes, Sir," was the quick response. But once again the colonel couldn't find the words to detail the situation.

"All the intruders taken care off? No more foothold? Come on Colonel, this isn't your first party at the SGC," he snipped at him. Really, he couldn't feel any pain, but he was always bitchy when he woke up in the infirmary. Its lack of privacy combined with the knowledge that other people knew the intimate details of his person…Well, it was definitely not his favorite place in the world.

"No, Sir. No intruders. No foothold," Reynolds paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "It was an alien device. It modified the behavior of…the affected individuals."

Jack let that news sink in and his carefully constructed house of emotional cards fell around him. Not aliens. He had just beaten his closest friends nearly to death with his bare hands. Once again, he was willing to sacrifice their lives, willing to be the instrument of their death. Never mind that they were hurting him first. He wasn't nearly ready to face that part of this whole fiasco. No, it was his job to protect them to the best of his ability and he had fallen far short of the finish line once again. He stared at the ceiling and decided that he had to know. He needed to know how badly he had screwed up. So, he finally forced himself to ask, "I didn't hurt them too badly, did I?"

Jack heard Reynolds sharp intake of breath and waited for the bad news, "No, Sir. Mostly cuts and bruises. Dr. Lam says they will all make a full recovery. The worst is Teal'c's hairline fracture and Dr Jackson's broken arm."

"Fuck!" he swore softly, trying hard not to think about the whole thing, and failing miserably. He distinctly remembered throwing Sam into Daniel. Watching them to make sure they stayed down before escaping his office. He could see the blood in bright contrast. God, there was so much blood.

Reynolds' voice broke into his dark thoughts, "Sir, I've taken the liberty of destroying the device to prevent a recurrence. I've also briefed General Hammond." Reynolds paused, and Jack looked him over suspiciously, "I…omitted certain…details from my official report, Sir. Only General Hammond knows any specifics." Jack watched as Reynolds' face paled and he tried to force out his next words, "I…I don't think that I can work with them anymore, Sir. I can't…look at them…and not see…I'm sorry, Sir. I know I'm letting you down." Reynolds sank into the nearby chair and looked at his shoes as he waited for Jack's reprimand.

Jack closed his eyes. "SG-1," he stated more than asked, blocking the emotional pain that came with remembering his favorite team. His former teammates. Trying to block the flood of images that their names now invoked. Dark bloody images full of pain, fear, betrayal, and anguish.

"Yes, Sir," Reynolds agreed, quietly.

Jack wanted to reassure Reynolds that everything would be fine. That since it was under alien influence that it didn't count. They weren't themselves…But he found it difficult to even think about them on nice safe topics; topics that didn't involve being raped by his former teammates. He wanted to scream and beat his hands against the wall in frustration, at the sheer unfairness of it all, at how the universe at large seemed to hold a personal grudge against him.

But he couldn't. He knew that being in command meant more than issuing orders. It meant being an example to those you lead. To take the high road every time, even when that road was covered in broken glass and you forgot your boots. And occasionally it meant lying for the common good. He was good at telling the little white lies that stained his soul and bruised his ego. He was used to covering up his emotional pain and pressing on with the mission. Sometimes he could even fool himself.

The SGC needed SG-1 and Jack needed SG-1 to believe that it was just another day at the office, just another time when the aliens messed with their heads. No big deal. He just wished that he could believe it himself. That maybe he wasn't proof positive that maybe this time the aliens had won the battle.

Jack let out a shaky breath, "I'm not so sure I can work with them myself…Don't beat yourself up over it. You said it was alien influence…so blame the damn aliens. That's what I'm going to do," he lied and hated himself for it.

Reynolds didn't deserve a reprimand for having a hard time facing SG-1. The man had single handedly solved the problem and worked towards damage control. Hell, Reynolds deserved an award for preserving Jack's dignity under duress. Reynolds was the only reason that this whole situation was salvageable. Jack had to hold on to that alone. This had to be fixable. Things had to return to normal. Anything less was just unacceptable.

So, pep talk…not so good at those…"Look, I'm not going to ask you to be their new best friend or anything, but I know you can be professional. If you can't work side by side, then appoint someone who can. That's the best part about delegation," Jack watched Reynolds carefully. His pep talk didn't seem to be working, "Got it?"

"Yes, Sir," was Reynolds' subdued response.

"Alright then…," he frowned trying to diffuse the serious tone. He finally resorted to his old standby, humor. He smirked as he settled back into the pillows for sleep, "You have con, Number One." Jack had been ribbing Reynolds ever since he learned he was a closet Trekkie. So far, his ribbing hadn't failed to lighten his second's mood.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Reynolds replied, this time with a faint smile. "I'll see you later, Sir," he said. Then he shook his head and left Jack in the infirmary, alone with his dark thoughts.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 11 – A Time to Break Down

SG-1 had been released from the infirmary and put on one week medical leave. Teal'c was asked to assist Daniel because of the stitches on his back and his cast. They had each been given a grab bag of pain medications, anti-inflammatories, and antibiotics and a list of symptoms that would require their return. Colonel Reynolds had encouraged them to take the full week. Sam pushed to return sooner and was only baffled by the colonel's gruff, angry, and definitely negative response.

Sam considered requesting a copy of the official report and was surprised when Walter delivered it with his usual telepathic promptness, but missing his usual upbeat attitude. He was the second most positive person on the base. The only one with a more positive outlook than Walter was General O'Neill. He might be bitter and sarcastic, but he never doubted success.

The one time SG-1 had tried to visit with the general they had been stopped cold by one of the nurses. Lieutenant Kaplin refuted all their attempts to enter the room and apologize to the general. She even successfully stared down Teal'c. No small feat.

So it was a tired, despondent SG-1 that finally collected in Sam's lab to read over the official report of the incident.

"Is it just me, or am I missing something?" Daniel asked suddenly. "I mean, this report is detailed and thorough but…I don't know. It just feels like its leaving a lot unsaid."

Sam frowned, "I got that feeling too. But I'm not sure I want to know. It's bad enough in the edited version. How much worse would full disclosure be?"

But in the back of her mind, Sam knew it was important. The first thing she noticed missing was the list of the general's injuries. All the other 'affected' individuals' injuries were tallied and listed, but not the general's. She wanted more than anything to know he was going to be fine. But the words 'surgery' and 'full recovery' covered too much ground. As a scientist, she needed detailed facts. As a woman in love, she needed to see each injury mending with her own two eyes. But she was banned from getting both.

"I just…need to know…you know," Daniel said plainly. "So I can apologize. I mean, it's what we do. We end up hurting each other to save the planet and we apologize. Jack has shot each of us. He apologized and things went back to normal," Daniel stated with conviction. "This time isn't any different, right?"

"I believe you are correct, Daniel Jackson. I too…need to know," Teal'c agreed.

Sam sighed, "Alright, I agree as well, but…I don't know. This just feels different. We've never been banned from the infirmary before."

"Ah, that's just because it's a new doctor. She'll come around in time," Daniel reasoned.

Sam had to agree. Janet hadn't been thrilled in the beginning with all the extra visitors. But she eventually saw reason and would become concerned if an SG team didn't turn up when one of their own was sick or injured. Dr Lam would eventually come around to their way of thinking. The whole base would straighten her out eventually. But…Lieutenant Kaplin wasn't new and she didn't have a single ounce of sympathy for SG-1's plight.

"If you say so," Sam finally relented. "The easiest way would be to view the video surveillance. I assume the interrogation interviews have an upgraded classification, so…" Sam booted up her computer and started searching for the files.

"Huh. That's odd," Sam stated as she examined the video files and compared them to the date and times stamps in the report.

"What?" Daniel asked.

"They're gone," she explained. "The video footage has been removed from the file server." She tapped a few more keys and eventually came to the file log. "They were moved to the classified, limited access server. Why would they do that?" she mused.

"Wait," she quickly changed tracks and opened up the backup server. Few people had access to the backup server. She was one of the lucky few. "Here they are," she smiled at her teammates. "So, which one first?" she asked as she pointed out the various files saved.

"Is it wise to view this footage here, Colonel Carter?" Teal'c asked, quietly.

"Right. Good point, Teal'c. Just give me a minute and I'll copy these to my laptop…" Sam quickly copied the footage to her the hard drive on her laptop and then shut down the computer. "So, how's Thai at my place sound."

"Good," Daniel stated. "Let's go."

With a confirming nod from Teal'c, Sam led the way out of the mountain. Arriving at home almost felt surreal. More so when she caught sight of her reflection in the hallway mirror. Her face was blooming in various vivid colors, purple and black being most predominant. She winced just looking at it.

No wonder, the nurse didn't want the general to see me like this. It would have only made him feel worse. Yeah, I'll just wait until I get back to work. In a week the bruising will have faded somewhat. At least, it will be a less visible color.

But she thought that she had gotten the better deal in the bruising department. Both Teal'c and Daniel were covered in bruises, Daniel mostly on his arms and back. Teal'c sported bruises, visible against his dark skin, all over his body. And that wasn't taking into account the numerous cuts and gashes they all sported, Daniel more than she or Teal'c. Both her teammates found moving to be difficult without the anti-inflammatory meds and impossible without the pain meds. A first for Teal'c.

Sam almost felt lucky with her broken nose and concussion. She knew from experience that Jack O'Neill could inflict a great amount of damage if provoked. All things considered, she thought that he had shown great restraint against the three of them. She just wished she knew how badly they had hurt him in return in their mindless states.

Sam made her teammates comfortable and served up the food and then setup the laptop. Since she was more mobile one in the group, she did what she could to make sure they didn't pop any stitches.

The videos were not named for their contents, but by camera name, and Sam had forgotten to copy the cross-reference sheet she usually used. The first video was just a hallway shot. The second was also a bust. But the third showed Jack hitting the alarm covered in blood. Sam found it hard to eat with that image in her mind.

The fourth showed the SG-6 briefing, as did the fifth and sixth. Sam was intrigued by the alien device but not enough to watch it three times from three different angles.

The next eight cameras just showed Jack as he stalked through the hallways with a zat. Sam could tell that he had gone to stealth mode, avoiding all personnel he encountered. She could also see that he was in a great deal of pain, but it didn't stop him. The last camera showed him back away from the infirmary and duck into the supply closet.

"That was where Lieutenant Kaplin found O'Neill later," Teal'c stated as Jack disappeared from the image.

Three files left…Sam clicked the next file and she was relieved to see a shot of one of the labs. SG-6 puttered around the device for the whole duration.

"Um, I thought SG-6 was among the group of affected personnel," Daniel asked as he examined the video. "I'm not noticing any significant behavioral changes. What about you guys?"

Sam continued to watch and finally had to agree with Daniel, "No, no behavioral changes, at least, nothing significant."

"I see nothing of concern," Teal'c added, solemnly as the video ended.

"Well, maybe it wasn't something caught on video," Sam speculated, as she closed the file.

Two files left...Sam opened the next one. They watched Jack run down the hallway and call out to a security patrol and then watched in shock as the patrol turned on him.

"Well," Sam stated, licking her dry lips, "now we know where he got the zat."

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

One file left. Sam took one final deep breath before looking at her teammates, "Last chance guys. We don't have to watch this."

Daniel stared at the empty screen for a few moments before answering, "We don't have to, but I need to see it. I guess that on some level, I just don't believe it happened. I can't believe that we attacked Jack, in spite of the evidence to the contrary. If I don't see it, it won't be real. I need it to be real so I can get past it…Does that make any sense?"

"Yes," Sam replied in a whisper, agreeing with him but dreading what she would see.

"Then we must proceed," Teal'c stated firmly.

Sam clicked play. The video showed Jack's office. Her eyes widened in shock as Walter made his move. Her jaw dropped as she watched her image seduce Jack, overcoming his reluctance, and then have a wild affair on his desk. Except it didn't end there. Her shock changed to revulsion and dismay as the scene unfolded. She couldn't move. She couldn't look away. She couldn't believe it. But she also couldn't deny it.

She ran for the bathroom and threw up her dinner just as Jack finally gained the freedom of the hallway. In all the horrors she had imagined, all the injuries that they could have inflicted, she had failed to even consider that scenario.

"Oh God," she cried, hugging herself on the bathroom floor.

Sam didn't know how long she wallowed in guilt and self-revulsion, but it was long enough that her body protested the abuse of sitting on the cold floor. She ignored her needs and welcomed the pain. She deserved it. She had hurt him. She had held him down. She shouldn't have gotten off so light. How could he ever forgive her?

She laughed at that thought. Jack O'Neill never forgave anyone. Ever. No one held a grudge longer than he did. And now he was sure to hate her. How could he not? She already hated herself.

Finally, Sam stood up and started to clean herself up. But she couldn't look at herself in the mirror. As horrible as her bruising was, she didn't think it was enough. It would never be enough to make up for the pain she had caused him.

Once more clean in body, if not in spirit, she walked to the living room to find it empty. The laptop was carefully closed and a note lay on top.

'Took a cab home. Will call if we need anything, Daniel and Teal'c.'

Sam crumpled the note and threw it across the room both relieved and angry at their abandonment. She honestly didn't think she could face them right now. Hell, she couldn't even face herself.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 12 – A Time to Build Up

Jack woke to the annoying sound of the phone. Some courageous soul thought that he needed a phone. At this point, Jack was sure that helpful individual really needed to be shot. He was still debating which weapon would be best when he picked up the receiver.

"O'Neill," he answered in his most grumpy voice.

"Jack, I see you're feeling a bit better," General Hammond's gentle voice greeted, his good humor transmitting through the phone.

"Sir," Jack greeted, losing any angst he had over the phone call. "You know me and infirmaries," he quipped, smiling absently.

"Only too well…Look, Jack, I was wondering if you had any plans for this sudden vacation of yours?" Hammond asked, casually referring to Jack's upcoming release and medical leave. Maybe a bit too casually.

Jack smirked at the phone, "That depends...do you have a better offer?"

"I might," Hammond replied. "I want you to come out here to DC. I've got a spare room and a gem of a house keeper."

Jack frowned at the phone. He couldn't be serious. DC was one of his least favorite places. "I don't know, Sir. I was kind of looking forward to my sofa and Simpson's DVDs. Besides, I'm not too keen on flying commercial air right now."

Hammond chuckled, never a good sign when negotiating with the Texan. "I already told that new doctor of yours all about your solitary lifestyle, Jack. She said she would only release you if someone was staying with you. I'll even let the Daedalus beam you over so you can skip the long lines at the airport," Hammond replied smoothly.

"So…not getting out today?" Jack confirmed cautiously.

"Not unless you come to DC…or have someone stay with you," Hammond reiterated.

Jack knew that plenty of people would volunteer just to ensure he got home, but the three most persistent candidates were the last ones he wanted to see right now, especially alone. If he accepted General Hammond's offer, SG-1 wouldn't be able to drop by and chat and Jack wouldn't have to pretend that everything was alright. Going to DC would give him distance…from both SG-1 and the 'incident' as he'd taken to calling it.

"I guess," Jack replied reluctantly. "I suppose it's the least I can do for you, since you were kind enough to arrange for my replacement for the next few weeks. The Redskins playing this week?" he asked.

"I believe they are. If you're up for a game, I think I can swing some seats," Hammond said gamely.

"Excellent. I can't wait," Jack said, feigning more enthusiasm than he felt. "Just give Walter the details."

"I will, Jack. Take care of yourself. I'll see you this afternoon," Hammond said as a good-bye.

"Till later," Jack said in return and slowly hung up the phone. General Hammond had just bought him some time and Jack wasn't sure what bothered him more; that Hammond knew he needed the time, or that Jack was willing to go to DC to escape SG-1.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 13 – A Time to Stand

Three days passed before Sam felt the need to crawl from her bed. She had ceased to live for those three days. Nothing mattered outside of making herself feel every bit of pain and heartache. She deserved it. The price of her betrayal deserved nothing less then her suffering.

She refused to take her pain meds. She barely ate or drank. She only left the bed to care for her most basic needs. And the only reason she did that was because she was sure that her death would only cause her general…never Jack…not anymore…more pain. She couldn't bear the thought of being the source of more pain. He deserved so much more from her.

On that third day, she rose with a new purpose. She would do everything in her power to ensure that he was never hurt again. She knew that she couldn't prevent all his pain, but she could use her brain and her skills to ensure that he didn't suffer for the mistakes of others. She knew that he would easily sacrifice his own happiness for others. He had been trading his pain for the salvation of others for years. No more. She would relieve him of as much of that burden as she could.

She understood what she was sacrificing for him. Forever on the sidelines…never again the focus of his happiness. But it was worth it…if he could find happiness…or at least peace.

In her perfect moment of clarity, she understood Colonel Frank Cromwell better than anyone else. He too had made a mistake that hurt General O'Neill severely. And he had spent the rest of his life doing what he could to ease the general's burden from the sidelines. Sweeping in to the rescue only after all other options had been exhausted. Frank knew his appearance would only cause more pain. So he saved Jack from that to the last and only as an act of last resort.

Frank didn't let the general's hate stop him from his perceived duty. Sam took faith in his strength. Because she was certain that the general would hate her to her dying day, just like he had hated Frank Cromwell. But it would not deter her from her new mission. She only hoped that she could be as strong as Frank and for as long.

But her new duties called to her. She had neglected them long enough. The general would expect her to look out for her teammates. He would expect her to eat a decent meal and take care of her injuries. He might hate her, but as long as he was her commander, he would feel responsible for her health.

So she ate a decent meal, called Daniel, and checked with Siler and Walter to make sure that the base was running smoothly. When she discovered that he would be in DC to recuperate, she called a lawn service to care for his yard and made a trip to his home to clean the perishables from the refrigerator. But every thought she had was directed at making the general's duties, his recovery, his life…easier.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 14 – A Time to Sew

Jack stared at the chair and kept willing the image away. But no matter how many times he closed his eyes and willed it away it…she was still there. Jack was almost ready to concede defeat to the specter.

General Hammond had been a refreshing change from his usual recuperation nurses. George asked no questions and demanded no answers. And not once did he utter the hated words 'how are you feeling.' In fact, George had spent the majority of the time working. He trusted Jack to do for himself what he could and to call on the housekeeper if he couldn't. They would usually spend the evening swapping tales of their youth and early careers.

But the whole week…hell, since he had first seen it…her…she had been by his side. Her presence had been comforting in the beginning. It was only natural, considering he was injured and he needed his trusted doctor by his side. He had trusted her the way he doubted he would or could trust any other physician. He knew she was a pain induced delusion when he had first seen her. At the time, it hadn't bothered him. The mind does strange things to cope with pain. And she wasn't his first hallucination.

But she was waiting for him when he woke up from surgery, sitting in the empty chair usually occupied by a member of SG-1. He wasn't in any pain then. She should have disappeared, but the loss of SG-1 was too new…too raw. And he wasn't ready to lose her ghost quite yet.

Several weeks later, he was wondering if he had finally lost his tenuous grip on sanity. He had ignored her since leaving the infirmary, hoping that if he pretended she wasn't there, she would finally disappear, like all good hallucinations should.

She didn't. She suffered his silence with a tolerant, wistful smile. It was infuriating.

"Why won't you leave?" Jack finally asked the apparition of Janet Frasier.

She smiled, "Because you still need me, Jack."

"You aren't real. I don't need you," he stated with conviction. Of course, he was talking to a hallucination. Maybe she had a point…except that he didn't feel crazy. But all crazy people said they felt sane…oh boy.

"You may not think so, but I can see your pain, Jack, like an open wound. What kind of doctor would I be if I left you to bleed to death?" she replied, her look fiercely protective.

"You are a stress induced hallucination. You can't help," he said, this time with less conviction.

"After all you've seen in this galaxy, can you truly believe that?" Janet questioned with amusement.

"You died. I saw your body. You didn't ascend. So yes, I believe that you are not real. And I want you to go away," he said sadly.

Truth was that he really did need her. But he needed her real and physical self. Janet could always cut through his bullshit and she had no qualms about calling him on his symptoms. She was the only one who knew everything about him from his family to his nightmares. She was the only one he ever discussed his demons with. And she had never betrayed his trust, taking his secrets to her grave.

"Denying the truth doesn't make it easier to bear, only easier to ignore," she said quietly.

Jack thought on that for a bit. He had to admit, it was pretty deep for his imagination. But it sounded exactly like something Janet would tell him. Maybe this ghost was more than a simple hallucination. He just couldn't figure out what it wanted. Unless of course it was just to point out that he was finally nuts. Jack almost welcomed that assessment. It would mean that he could finally step down.

George trooped into the room interrupting his thoughts. George's blues jacket was already removed as he worked his way over to the brandy.

"George," Jack said in greeting.

"Jack," George replied with affection. "I can't wait until I finally retire. Damn politicians are slimier than any of the goa'uld we encountered over the years."

Jack laughed, "Yeah, I'll second that."

The two men sat in silence, each contemplating their retirement and a life of peace and quiet. Jack continued to eye the image of Janet Frasier as he debated throwing in the towel.

"George…General…I want you to reconsider my request for retirement," Jack started. "Considering recent events…I'd like…no, I need to retire."

"Jack," George chided.

"No, hear me out," Jack stopped him. "I don't think…I can't…" Jack found himself at a loss for words. He found his throat constricting and he couldn't even say their names. "I can't work with SG-1," he forced out. Tears pricked his eyes as he watched the silent apparition of Janet Frasier, "I can't be responsible for their deaths…anymore." He said the last in a whisper.

George cleared his throat and gulped the last of his brandy. "I'm sorry, Jack," he said quietly. He let all of Jack's pain remain unsaid between them, but feeling it all the same. "I can't let you retire. But I might be able to give you some distance."

"George," Jack replied in a disbelieving tone.

"I know it's not what you want to hear. But, quite frankly, I can't afford to let you go now." George stood up and stared out the window, watching the street as he continued, "I'm retiring, Jack. Years after I should have…I don't have enough officers that are ready to promote to replace you and me both. I've spent the last month trying to get General Hank Landry into a position to take your place at the SGC. He is the right officer, but he has no experience with the SGC…or with aliens. He needs an experienced team to help him along. Colonel Reynolds is a fine officer, but he isn't ready to take the reigns yet. Neither is Colonel Dixon. Colonel Thomason in Nevada has no field experience of any kind though he has the clearance and has dealt with the alien technology aspect for years. And Colonel Caldwell is too new to his own command to move so soon."

George turned from the window to eye Jack carefully, "I need you here in DC. I need to know that all my hard work won't fall apart as soon as I step out the door. In a year, Hank will have the experience he needs to take over here. Reynolds, Dixon, or Caldwell will be ready for more administrative duties. Give me one more year and you can step aside."

Jack snorted and stood to face George, "So, I leave the job I don't like to take the one I hate?" His hand unconsciously went to his side, soothing the pain from the stitches pulling at his healing skin. Weighing the risk of being crazy in Washington versus crazy in Colorado, he found that he didn't like either option. "I don't know if I have another year in me, even if it is behind a desk."

"One more year, Jack, and then you can disappear into the Minnesota woods and fish to your heart's content," George coaxed.

Jack sighed. He knew it was a losing battle. George was right. There wasn't anyone to take his place yet that he trusted enough with the job. With one more glace at the ghost of Janet Frasier, he nodded his assent. What's one more crazy person in the capital of crazy people? "Sure. One more year…"

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 15 – A Time to Mourn

When SG-1 returned after their week of enforced leave, they looked worse than when they left. Sam's livid bruising had faded to green and yellow blemishes, but now dark circles surrounded her eyes and she carried an air of despair. Daniel was walking without assistance, but was missing his usual enthusiasm for life. Teal'c's once strong presence in a room had faded to a mere shadow. His usual stoic nature had been replaced by his deafening silence.

General Hank Landry had read up on the famous team and been eager to meet them as he filled in for Jack during his medical leave. But seeing them now, he wondered what had happened to crush their spirit. He had left the meeting with an air of sadness as he sent them on about their business.

He questioned to the staff and found that they had been fine a week ago when they left for their own medical leave. His final inquiry was to Dr Mackenzie. The base psychologist just shook his head and speculated that they had seen one injury too many; battle fatigue, shell shock, PTSD. The name had changed over the years, but the symptoms remained the same.

That General O'Neill was involved had been left unsaid by the doctor, but understood all the same by Hank. He hadn't been on base a whole day before he understood how this base revered General O'Neill. O'Neill's nebulous injuries were attributed directly to SG-1. All things considered, Hank would have been more surprised if SG-1 were chipper and acting as if nothing had happened.

Dr. Mackenzie explained that their apathy was actually normal and suggested that SG-1 would benefit from some extended ground time. They would be grounded anyway until Daniel's arm came out of the cast. The doctor was certain that when O'Neill returned, they would perk back up. Hank agreed with his assessment and grounded the team.

Then General Hammond announced his retirement and that General O'Neill had accepted his position as head of Homeworld Security, thus making the temporary commander of the SGC, the permanent commander. The SGC accepted his appointment with grace and immediately began to smooth his transition into his new command. All except SG-1.

SG-1 just seemed to fade more. LtCol Carter and Dr Jackson were seldom seen outside their respective work spaces. Even Teal'c seemed to disappear into his quarters for hours at a time.

Hank wasn't surprised when LtCol Carter requested the transfer to the Groom Lake facility less than a week later. He questioned her reasons, but ultimately authorized her transfer and wished her luck in her new position. She left Colorado less than three days later.

When Teal'c followed this change with his own request to return to Dakara to help the Free Jaffa Nation develop its own government, Hank was gracious enough to offer him any assistance in the move. He made sure that Teal'c understood that he was welcome on Earth at any time and that he was considered more than just an ally but also as a friend. But the Jaffa made no move to accept the friendship. He merely nodded at the offer and stepped through the wormhole.

Dr Jackson was the last to approach him. His request to join the team being sent to assist the Atlantis expedition was accepted quietly. Hank hoped it was the right thing to do. He didn't like the idea of sending Dr. Jackson back into the action when he was still suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. But contrary to his concerns, his acceptance seemed to stir the man out of his funk and he began to actively engage in the SGC again. He wasn't the same man that Hank had read about in the reports, but now there was hope that someday that man would return. Hank only hoped that LtCol Carter and Teal'c found similar peace with their moves.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 16 – A Time to Lose

"WHAT?!" Sam exclaimed in sheer disbelief as she stared at the doctor. He couldn't be right. She felt faint and the nausea was back ten-fold. The room began to spin.

"I take it that this is an unexpected pregnancy," the doctor continued in a condescending tone. "Well, it's still early enough in the pregnancy if you want to terminate. We don't do that here, but there are several clinics in Las Vegas that will, if that's what you want." The doctor picked up his clipboard and began writing his notes as he started to walk away. "Oh," he said absently, "I'll have the nurse bring in the usual handouts, in case you decide to keep it," and he swept out the door leaving a shell shocked Sam in the small exam room.

Sam had spent the last month trying to adjust to life at the Groom Lake facility also known as Area 51. She had already impressed the commander with her ability to see through the complex problems with backwards engineering the alien technology. But when she was being brutally honest with herself, she knew that it was far from her best work. Only her commitment to ease General O'Neill's burden helped her stay focused.

She hadn't been surprised by her lack of appetite and near constant nausea or by her fatigue. She only ate because she needed food to do her work and she had been putting in at least 15 hours a day since she arrived. But when she collapsed in the lab, Colonel Thomason had insisted that she be checked out by a doctor. She had expected the usual lecture on proper eating habits and adequate sleep. Instead, she had gotten the shock of her life. She was pregnant.

Except the last man she remember being with was Pete and she had her monthly cycle just after she broke off the engagement. It couldn't be him. But then who?

She almost smiled as she thought of the possibility of being a mother. Janet had been so certain that Jolinar had destroyed her chances of having kids and the following years of abusing her body had not increased her chances of conceiving. And now, even her age worked against her. She had eventually decided that when the time came, she would adopt. But that time had come and gone.

Her dreams of being a mother had disappeared when SG-1 had attacked General O'Neill. She couldn't picture doing anything but trying to make up for that sin. She didn't deserve to be happy after that and she couldn't drag an innocent child with her on her guilt driven quest.

Like a bad horror flick, she flashed back to the grainy image of the security camera and her seduction of the general. She gasped in shock as she realized exactly who fathered this miracle child.

"Oh God," she whispered into the quiet of the room. She lost her fight with nausea and threw up in the small sink in the exam room. She dressed absently still in shock. The nurse dropped off the informational sheets and left. Sam left the exam room for the waiting area where her escort was waiting.

The universe must really hate them. There was no other explanation. Unless they were cursed…or was it just her carrying the curse?

Yes, that was it. She was cursed. She had proven that in more than one of her relationships. At least General O'Neill had lived where so many others had not. Best to get this young one as far from her as possible so she didn't curse it as well.

Sam froze in the parking lot. Her escort, a young airman, anxiously standing at her elbow. She slowly placed her hand over her stomach and in that moment knew that she had to ensure that this child had a chance at happiness. She couldn't bear the thought of terminating this miracle life.

But what about the general?

Her mind played out various scenarios and she found only two that she could live with. Her choice would depend on the general. If he would want to raise the child himself or not. Regardless of his decision, she couldn't hurt the baby. She would rather have the child adopted by complete strangers rather than see any harm done. Inevitably, she would be the cause of that pain as well.

But perhaps the general would want to raise it. That scenario would ultimately work out for the best. Sam knew that he held a special place in his heart for all children. Surely, his own child could receive some of those same smiles. Enjoy that same boundless love he gave to strange children on any one of a hundred different planets. Surely, he could love this child in spite of its conception? In spite of its mother?

"Are you alright, Ma'am?" the airman asked as he held her steady.

"I…I think so," she replied.

"Let's get you in the car, Ma'am, and then I'll take you home," he replied with an earnest smile.

"Yes. Thank you," she replied.

But how would he take the news? They had never talked about the future. Never directly. They had talked around the possibility of a future, but never anything more personal. She didn't know if he wanted any more children or not. She needed help. She needed advice. She needed desperately to talk to her dad. But that wasn't possible, not anymore.

As the car pulled into the driveway of her apartment complex she decided that she would ask General Hammond. Desperate for answers she rushed inside and quickly called the retired general.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 17 – A Time to Gain

Jack walked into his pentagon office fuming at the level of ignorance displayed by the Senators of the Appropriations Committee. He hadn't even been doing this for a whole month yet and he was sure that he wasn't nearly crazy enough for this job. George Hammond should be considered for sainthood for putting up with this crap for so long. Granted, the first seven years were handled from Colorado. But he had managed these same Senators for at least a year face-to-face without killing them. Definitely a saint…

"General," his secretary said, gaining his attention. "Here are your messages. That Colonel Carter called three more times, but she still refuses to leave a message."

Jack sighed, trying to release his anger at the Senators, but it just transferred to Carter. She had been trying to reach him all week, but refused to leave a message. She said it was personal. He could guess at what kind of personal crap Carter wanted to talk about and he was definitely not in the mood.

He had finally gotten to a point where he stopped looking for SG-1 everywhere he went. He no longer scanned the commissary at lunch looking for them. They had been such a constant presence in his life that their abandonment was almost harder to bear than the original attack. Sure, he had accepted the transfer to DC first. But they hadn't tried to call him once during his recuperation. Granted, he didn't really think that he could have faced them then or in the following weeks, but…when he was ready to talk…they were gone.

And Jack had tried to call…really. Ready or not, he knew that they needed to hear from him, so he called them at home and at work only to listen to their voices via the message service. He made it a point to try at least once a week before they became unreachable.

Jack had worked through all the physical and mental trauma of being raped by his best friends. He had fought hard and long to be able to face them once more without fear or hatred in his gaze. He had struggled to exercise the demons and nightmares that plagued him after the attack. He succeeded in large part because he felt that they were more important to him than anything else in his life. He had talked to the appointed shrink and to the ghostly Janet until his head hurt. He needed them and wasn't willing to lose them like this, to his own ignorance and fear. And when he was finally ready to talk to them again, to face their questions and apologies and let them know that it wasn't their fault…they had left him behind…abandoned him to his fate in DC…discarded his friendship like used tissue.

Sam had requested a transfer almost as soon as General Landry had been appointed. Teal'c skipped the planet nearly as fast. And Daniel…Daniel was doing his damndest to hitch a ride to the next galaxy. Not one call to let him know that they felt it was time to move on. Not one email to ask his opinion on a transfer. Not one letter asking for his forgiveness. And they wouldn't even return his carefully worded messages. Jack had fought for their friendship only to find that they didn't want to return it.

Jack knew that they had read the official report. He had made sure that Walter delivered a copy personally. He knew that they would need it to help them heal. It was their MO and he did his best from his hospital bed to ensure that they got what they needed to move past it.

But this silence…this abandonment…was too much. Didn't they know how much he needed them? How much he depended on their sound reasoning to keep him on an even keel? Didn't they know that they were the only reason he had survived his first year behind a desk? Apparently not.

As of two weeks ago, Jack had stopped trying. If they wanted to move on without him, then he would let them. He owed them that much. But he didn't have to like it and he was entitled to his anger at their abandonment. He would press on because that was all that was left to him…his work…saving the world one stack of paper at a time…

Now, after all this time of silence, Carter is insisting on talking to him about a personal matter. Well, fuck her. Now it was her turn to wait in silence; Her turn to wonder why he wouldn't return her messages; Her turn to feel abandoned and alone.

"Thanks," he replied gruffly. "If she calls again, I'm in a meeting." Jack snatched the rest of the messages and headed for his monstrosity of a desk.

Jack immediately logged into his computer and started working through is emails, hoping to have the overall number of waiting emails reduced to manageable levels by the end of the day. He was making good progress with both the emails and venting some of his anger. At least he was until the intercom sounded.

"What?!" he shouted into the intercom, too frustrated to be civil.

"Sir, I have General Hammond on the line," his secretary said, completely unfazed by his outburst. She was used to his moods by now. She was another saint in this personal hell he called the Pentagon.

Jack sighed, "Yeah, put him through." The phone rang and he managed a slightly neutral, "George," in greeting. He didn't want to be pissed at George. George was the one remaining constant in Jack's life. Yelling at the man wouldn't do any good. Besides, he wasn't the one of the people Jack was pissed at.

"Jack, you don't seem to be answering your messages," George said in a disapproving tone.

"What?" Jack asked surprised. "I don't remember getting a message from you." He ran his hand over his face and sighed, "I'll talk to the secretary. I'm sure it was a mistake…So, what can I do for you?" he distractedly turned back to his computer, hoping to weed out a few more while he talked to General Hammond. George was always good for a mood lift and Jack desperately needed that right now. Anything to put SG-1 out of his mind.

"It wasn't from me. Colonel Carter has been trying to reach you all week. She asked me to try and reach you. Why haven't you called her back?" George asked quietly.

Jack immediately turned his full attention back to the phone, all his anger rushing back, "Carter never left a damn message or a phone number. Called like crazy, but couldn't be bothered to say why. I don't have time for Carter's sympathy crap right now. And frankly, I'm trying to get to the point where I don't give a damn."

"Then perhaps it is for the best that she couldn't reach you…I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't know," George apologized.

"Know what, George? That she, Daniel, and Teal'c dumped me to the curb? That they couldn't be bothered to even drop me a note in the mail saying they were leaving? That they haven't been bothering to return ANY of my messages? Or that there isn't a damn thing either of us can do to fix it?" Jack coldly stated into the receiver.

George sighed over the line, "I didn't know you were having such a hard time. I can give you…"

Jack interrupted heatedly, "No. I don't want her god-damned number. If I mean so little to her that she can't even leave me a damn phone message…Fuck her," he said. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes. "I don't need her or anyone else that can't be bothered. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all."

"Jack…" George said into the quiet. "It's not like that. I…I talked to them all, before…" Jack heard George sigh over the phone line, frustrated at his inability to say what needed to be said. "She's pregnant and she knows that it's yours."

Jack sucked in a breath in shock, "What?"

"She says that she can't keep the child," George continued. "She wants to know if you would be willing to take custody."

"Oh, God!"

"Jack, I know you've had a hard time of it. If you don't feel up to this…"

"How?" Jack asked, brokenly. "How does she know?"

"I don't know, Jack. But I can assume that she hacked into the SGC computer and watched the security footage. I know that Reynolds upgraded the security on the files, but I learned long ago to never underestimate SG-1 when they wanted something…" George sighed again. "I'm sorry."

Jack returned the sigh, "Not as sorry as I am." They knew the whole truth now. He had tried to shield them from it, but they couldn't let it go. And somehow that made their abandonment all that much more painful. Did they think that he wanted it this way? He had called. He had shown them that he still cared. That he still wanted their friendship…

So why did they leave? Because they couldn't stand to look at him anymore? Because they couldn't stand to listen to his voice without remembering? He finally concluded that the three least selfish people in the galaxy had taken the most selfish route out of the problem. It wasn't like them.

He took a moment to regain control of his raging emotions. "I…why…why does she want me to decide?"

George paused before answering and Jack could almost hear the old general wince over the line, "She wanted to give you a chance before offering the baby up for adoption. She says that you deserve at least that much consideration."

Jack heard the words like a knife in the gut. Sam wasn't even willing to keep their child. He wondered where he had gone wrong. Had he overestimated her love for him? Had he read the wrong message between all those lines? Not only did she want to move on…away from him…but she was unwilling to even consider raising their child.

No, that's not right. This was Sam Carter. She always considered all the angles to come up with the best solution. Jack just didn't want to conclude that Carter had discarded the option of motherhood with the same efficiency that she blew up a sun, that the thought of raising his child was as repugnant to her as the thought of aborting the small life. He never realized that she could be so cold. How could he have missed it through all the years of working side by side?

"Jack," George's voice interrupted his thoughts, "You don't have to decide now…"

"No!" Jack shouted, stopping him. "No," he said again, calmer now. "I'll take custody. Tell her..." Jack absently wiped the tears away. "Tell her I'll have my lawyer draw up the paperwork. She won't have to worry about it. I'll take care of everything…"

"Are you sure, son? I'm sure…"

"I'm sure," Jack replied quickly. He could never let his kid go to strangers. He might not be the ideal person to raise a kid, but that didn't absolve him of the responsibility. This kid was already going to lose its mother. Jack didn't want it to lose its father as well. "I'm sure, George," he said with all the conviction he could muster.

"Alright, Jack. I'll let her know your decision. And if you need anything…you don't hesitate to call me, understood?" George ordered down the phone line.

Jack almost smiled at the tone, "Yes, Sir."

"Well, then, I'll let you get back to work. I know how it can stack up when you look away. I'll talk to you later, Jack. Take care of yourself," the retired general admonished.

"I will. Thanks for calling to tell me…I…thanks," Jack finished lamely.

"Your welcome, son. Anytime," George replied and hung up the phone.

Jack put the phone back in the cradle and stared at his hands as he let the tears flow down his face. He wept for all the he had lost. His friends, his love, and his life as he knew it. But he also wept for all his shattered dreams, hopes, and aspirations. The life he had hoped to lead was gone and he mourned its loss.

--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG--SG

Chapter 18 – A Time to Advance

Sam sat at her desk and stared at the envelope. She was afraid to open it. She knew exactly what it contained and she just couldn't bring herself to break the seal. She knew that she was lying to herself. Opening this packet didn't change anything, but she still felt that the reality of it was too final. She was too overwhelmed to consider it as anything but an ending. She had set this into motion. She had to see it through to the end.

Reluctantly, Sam opened the envelope and drew out the documents. Her tears blurred her vision hiding the truth from her in yet another evasion of the truth. She could blame the tears on hormones, but she knew better. It was grief. Because here in her hands was the final proof that it…what ever it was…was well and truly over.

General Hammond had called her just a few days ago. He had talked to Jack. And while her heart was screaming at her to ask about him, she refrained. She didn't deserve that kind of consideration any longer. Instead, she asked about his decision.

Her heart rejoiced that Jack would take and raise their child, that he was able to love this child in spite of its origins. He deserved the second chance to be a father. And she was truly happy for him. For a moment, she forgot what that meant to her. And for that moment she was almost happy again.

But then the general had relayed the bit about lawyers and paperwork and her fragile bit of happiness was shattered. Of course, Jack would need to have legal custody, which would mean that she would forever sign away her rights as a mother. She would lose her child before she ever had it.

The pain of that loss was overwhelming. Was this how Jack had felt when Charlie died? How much worse would it be to lose a child that you could touch and kiss and love? Her love and admiration for Jack increased as she considered how he had lived with this kind of pain for years…Never letting on how much it hurt…

She had made the right choice. This child was better off with Jack. He was obviously the stronger, better parent. This child deserved the best and Jack was surely that.

Sam briskly wiped away the tears and signed her name next to each little flag. It was the right thing to do. She carefully packed the documents into the return envelope that Jack's lawyer had thoughtfully provided and carefully sealed it.

It was done. Now, she just had to focus on having a healthy baby. These were her last months with her child and she would make sure that she gave it every bit of love and care that she could. It would have the best start in life that she could provide. It deserved nothing less.

Sam dabbed her eyes one last time and composed an email to General O'Neill. In it let him know that she had signed the documents and would be shipping them overnight back to him. Then she carefully outlined her prenatal nutrition and exercise plan. She let him know that she would have a copy of all her checkups forwarded to him along with any other information that he requested.

Sam finally sent the email, proud of herself for keeping anything personal out of the note. She refrained from pouring her heart out and demanding he do the same, no matter how much she craved the release. She wouldn't put that burden on him. She had hurt him, not the other way around. She would do her best to make these next few months as easy for him as possible. And then, when the baby was born, he could forget she existed and finally put this whole thing behind him.

Yes. She was doing the right thing. Her mission was to ease his pain, to make his life easier.

Sam grabbed the envelope and headed for the post office. She had her mission now and nothing would stop her from completing it.

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To Be Continued in Part 2 – You Get What You Need.

This is the end of part 1. This story is about the fall. Part 2 is about rebuilding the team. This one focused on Jack and Sam, but the next part will also go into Teal'c and Daniel and what they have been thinking.


End file.
